Who Goes First? Planning for the Inevitable (Without Losing Sleep Over It)

When I first saw these statistics, they nearly knocked me over:

80% of men die married.
80% of women die single.
80% of centenarians are women.

No matter how you look at it, those numbers tell a sobering story. Ladies, you’re statistically likely to outlive your husband. Gentlemen, you’re statistically likely to hand over the reins and the household bills before you go.

However you interpret it, the truth is unavoidable: one of you will go first. And while none of us enjoys thinking about it, we do everyone a favor when we plan for it.

Start Planning Now

Why Women Must Have a Seat at the Table

This topic isn’t about who’s better with money or who makes the financial decisions today; it’s about who will be making them later.

In most traditional marriages, women eventually become the ones managing the finances. It’s not because they wanted to; it’s because they had to. They’re left to navigate the bills, taxes, investments, and estate decisions after their spouse has passed.

If you’re a woman, you deserve to feel prepared - not panicked - when that day comes. And if you’re a man, part of your legacy is making sure your wife isn’t left overwhelmed by financial decisions she never had to face alone before.

What Changes When One Spouse Dies

Beyond the emotional loss, there are significant financial changes that can surprise even the most prepared families. Here are a few of the most common:

One Social Security benefit disappears. The smaller of the two benefits stops immediately.
Pension income may be reduced or lost. If a survivor benefit wasn’t chosen, that income stream can vanish overnight.
Taxes can increase. The surviving spouse goes from filing ‘Married Filing Jointly’ to ‘Single’, which means the standard deduction is cut in half, and tax brackets get narrower.
Household responsibilities double. The chores that used to be divided: cooking, home repairs, bill paying, now fall on one person. What used to be teamwork may now require hired help.

These changes can make an already difficult season even more stressful. But they don’t have to come as a shock. With thoughtful preparation, you can anticipate them and have a plan ready long before life forces the issue.

Start Talking, Before You Need To

The hardest part of this conversation isn’t the math, it’s the emotion. Talking about death feels heavy, even taboo. But I’ve learned something important after helping hundreds of couples plan for retirement: the more you talk about it now, the more peace you’ll both feel later.

For couples, that means:

Making sure both spouses know where important accounts and documents are kept.
Reviewing beneficiaries, insurance policies, and income sources together.
Discussing how household duties will be handled if one of you can’t do them.
Meeting with your advisor together so both partners understand the big picture.

It’s not morbid, it’s practical. And it’s an act of love.

A Call to Action (With Compassion)

Ladies, this is your cue: don’t sit quietly on the sidelines when it comes to your retirement and estate planning. You have every right to feel confident and informed about your financial future.

And gentlemen, this is your cue, too: one of the most caring things you can do for your wife isn’t buying her flowers, it’s making sure she won’t have to face financial chaos while grieving.

I know these aren’t easy conversations. I don’t like talking about them either. But I’d much rather you feel momentary discomfort today than long-term regret later.

We can’t control timing, but we can control preparedness.

So, talk about it. Make a plan together. Review it regularly. Because while one of you may go first, both of you deserve peace of mind that lasts until the very end.